The Imposter

There are moments that you expect to be perfect. Like when you take a long walk along a beach at night in hopes for a spark, a simple light that will illuminate the darkness. Some sign that God is pointing you in the right direction.

But then the streetlights come into view and the shadows that have been following you the entire time, come alive, reminding you of your present reality. Reminding you of the fear, the insecurity, and the things that like to tell you you’re not worth it.

Since being graduate from a four year university I have found myself doing daily battle with the qualifiers that come against me with each job description I read.

2-5 years of applicable experience (define “applicable”.)

1 year of management (well does managing my homework count?)

Majored in a relative field to position (well I majored in English, so that works for everything right?)

Until recently I didn’t know about this little known voice in the back of everyone’s head named “The Imposter Syndrome” basically the shadows that creep forward to question your knowledge, legitimacy, or authority.

It took me breaking down (in tears) in the midst of a meeting about my own business aspirations and vocally posing myself the question “But shouldn’t I already be here, instead of here?”

I broke.

I welled up and couldn’t understand how or why I was crying until I was asked in return, “What does ‘should’ matter?”

I hadn’t asked that question before, why was I comparing my actual self to this invisible ‘I should be this’ self. The invisible self didn’t, doesn’t exist. I do exist and I am doing things that are worthy and my real self is leading the charge.

It took me melting down in the middle of a business meeting to come to the realization that I will never live up to my ideal self, and that’s exactly what the shadows and imposters want me to be and feel; defeated.

But I would do it all over again if it meant recognizing that I was enough.

I was living out the hard things in order to better understand God’s plan and be authentic to who I am as a leader and as a dreamer. My Magazine is all about expressing your most authentic self, if I can’t live out my own message then how can I be an effective leader?

Luckily, I have an army on my side. I have God, I have my family, and I have my friends. All ready and armed to support my dreams, my floundering, and my faith walk. There hasn’t been a moment in this process of post-grad life that I haven’t had to rely on all three to help me take a single, step sometimes unsteady, step.

I knew in my head that God had a plan, but in my heart it felt like God was taking his dear sweet time and testing my patience. But it wasn’t God taking his time, it was me not recognizing the time I spent building up my own idealized self and not paying attention to the steps I was taking towards my identity and calling. I was taking up my own time not recognizing that God was moving all the while.

I finally caught on.

But only recently, and it’s still a process, I am by no means going to stop having tear-fests in business meetings, and I’m never going to stop leaning on God, family, and friends for support and encouragement when I pay more attention to the shadows then myself.