the cost of following jesus.

if you are new to this site. i am too. i wrote a little last year but felt so scared and stuck that i finally backed out…based solely on some personal struggles. anyways…here i am. back to share my heart and my story with each of you. i don’t use punctuation because although i have a masters degree i don’t know where to put commas or periods so i write in all lowercase with lots of run on sentences. just being real so you know…that i know…i will need a major editor one day.

i used to have a blog. when i had cancer i wrote almost daily. when i was healed i kept writing but maybe a couple times a week. as i sat down today to write for the first time in 11 months i am finding that this place that once felt so comfortable, so free, so me…now feels a little scary.

sharing my heart and our cancer story with the world at that time (nearly 5 years ago) was one of the most freeing times in my life. i was connecting with strangers all over the world and watching the lord use our story to bring people together and bring them to himself. it was all a gift for me to simply be apart of something much greater. but over the last year i let fear win and here is maybe what happened.

we made a major move about 18 months ago. leaving the state we fell in love in and our first purchased home and many people i hold dearest in the world. but we felt a very real call from the lord to move to NJ and share the gospel with students through the organization of young life.

because i desire a world where people are free, authentic, and not only allowed but encouraged to share what is real. the hard embarrassing stuff i will always write from that place in my heart.

it’s been a touch place for me. a couple friends, no church, no community, and lack of support and care i have felt alone, isolated, and defeated. it hasn’t all been hard. it usually isn’t all hard. it’s been a sweet season for our family. our marriage is more in sync than ever. we adore living so close to NYC and moving from tourist to local. the lord is moving at rutgers university in students lives and hearts (main focus of ministry)…but personally i have been stuck believing lies about myself, what i am capable of, and any vision for my life outside of our apartment and raising 2 sweet girls (with another girl arriving this may).

i am going to start writing again. here a little and on my own blog and will bring to the surface how i got here and how as followers of jesus if we stop for a second we may begin to see how we’ve lost our way and how believing lies will begin to sink deep into our hearts and become the truths we believe about ourselves. my prayer is that as the lord moves in my own heart he will reveal to you…what is true about you. we are far more loved and capable than we will ever know. lets dig deep together. we’ve only just begun. i know it.